good grief First Love
good grief First Love, you were the first place I truly felt at home in another person. When we broke up I had to rebuild that for myself in myself, but that’s what happens when great loves become great losses.
good grief First Love, when we said there was no one we would rather walk through the light and dark of the world with, I guess you meant that to be so long as everything stayed the same.
good grief First Love, there were questions I had that you weren’t willing to ask with me, so I had to ask them alone. I trusted you when you said that was ok, now I wonder how often people actually say what they mean.
good grief First Love, when you said I could go and you would be there when I came back, was the
problem that I believed you or that you believed you?
good grief First Love, I wrote to you everyday in a notebook for a year thinking one day I could prove my love for you never wavered. With each pen I drained, I was writing my way into a future I didn’t think I could imagine: one without you.
good grief First Love, anger came later because shame came first. I felt responsible for breaking something that couldn’t be put back together and my good Christian upbringing told me nice girls don’t get mad, they give it up to God.
good grief First Love, dream after dream of seeing you in public became unbearable. Instead of an escape, sleep became my high-powered processing station of emotionally complex situations.
good grief First Love, I wasn’t sure if I should invoke the name of Fate to comfort me that everything was going to be ok. I later learned even “meant to be” couldn’t rescue us from all the hurt and mistrust we had created.
good grief First Love, isn’t love supposed to conquer all? If we couldn’t figure this out, how was I supposed to believe in love’s magic anymore?
good grief First Love, it became almost impossible to distinguish between hope and denial in my brain. Hope felt foolish but giving it up felt like betrayal.
good grief, First Love, is using up all the pens I owned writing and writing and writing so I could arrive at an acceptance of shared responsibility. I couldn’t have known better, but I wish I did.
good grief, First Love, is learning I will not actually die of this heartache.
good grief, First Love, is accepting that I can’t have wisdom before my time. As much as I wish I knew more, I didn’t, and that is unfair but true.
good grief, First Love, is learning to trust my intuition when someone tells me who they are. It’s knowing to listen close enough to distinguish the faint line between who they are and who they want to be. Even with open communication, people can get hurt when they try to stretch too far beyond their being.
good grief, First Love, is using up all the pens I owned writing and writing and writing so I could arrive at an acceptance of shared responsibility. I couldn’t have known better, but I wish I did.
good grief, First Love, you fundamentally changed the way I cook. The practices I learned in the kitchen with you still nourish me today. I like to think they help feed the seeds of compassion & forgiveness in me with each sprinkle of spices I add.
good grief, First Love, is first proving to myself that this sadness won’t last forever and second there are things worth taking up my time, energy, and mental space other than you.
good grief, First Love, is collecting your things from around my apartment: your key on my keychain, your books on my shelf, your shirt in my closet, and putting them in a box. One day I moved that box to the basement. Some days after that I started giving things away. The joy others got from a record they’ve always wanted was better than the haunting of waiting for you to want your things back.
good grief, First Love, is going through the dreams we dreamed up together and asking myself if any of them are mine enough to carry into the future without you.
good grief, First Love, is dying my hair vibrant shades of every color because I wanted to, because I could, because what was stopping me? This small act became a step along the way to more experimentation and less worry about making mistakes.
good grief, First Love, is being more careful with the fragile hearts entrusted to me. It’s treading lightly when it comes to navigating relationships.
each good grief participant was given the opportunity to contribute something to the project
see below for this participant’s contribution
